I’m subtweeting you, online Valentine
I’ve uploaded a brand new selfie online
Go on and give it a double tap-tap
If you do I might just #follow #you #back
But wait up V, I won’t stop there
I’ll add your gf - she has such blonde hair,
I’ll add your friends, and I’ll add your mom,
I just know from your albums we’ll all get along
It’s been a dream of mine since we met yesterday
For you and me to elope one day,
Our connection is special, know how I can tell?
‘Cos we both like Californication AND Bates Motel
You accepted! You did it! Now we are ‘friends’
This is where our adventure begins
We’ve become so close since I’ve had access to your photos
It’s like I was there on your soccer tour to Lagos…
I was there when we kissed on the top of that mountain
And made wishes and threw those coins in that fountain
Sure, some other girl’s face is in all those pictures
But I’m here now, V, and that’s all that matters…
Now something has happened and I'm having doubts
My head says I should reply STOP to opt out
I snuck into your room while you were in the shower
You got a saucy sext from a “pink flower”?
I’m not saying that something’s going on
but I’m going with my gut and my gut’s never wrong
(Except for that one time it thought it would be fine
To drink balsamic vinegar when I ran out of red wine-
that was a terrible idea)
You ask any stalker who sneaks into her crush’s room
And she’ll tell you that this disrespect is just not on, bru
Don’t even get me started on the brunette on Snapchat
Yeah V old buddy, we are having that chat!
I was going through your DMs and I happened to see
A whole bunch of them came from Cindy-Jessy-Sandra-Lee
I see she’s in your top friends and you @ her lots on twitter,
I’m hashtag #justsaying and I don’t wanna sound bitter,
You protest too much, yeah sure, she's your "sister"
You can't fool me with that same-last-name bluster
No, I'm not a stalker for following her home
She's the one creeping me - girl, leave me alone!
Oh sure, yes, maybe you don’t know me,
And maybe we did just have that “one” "coffee",
But I know all about you voting for Mitt Romney
You think you can just add-'n-walk, homie?
Guess again, I know you better thank you think
Where you live, your Google history, your Klout score, favourite drink...
Don’t get angry with me, it’s all in plain view!
Put the gun down, please? Er... Roses red, violets... blue?
What’s that you say about objectification?
How I’ve made up a fantasy projectificatiganficiation?
Aw bae you’re even sexier when you don’t make any sense…
Enough with this charade, what’s the point of this pretence?
Just give into my pitch for my grand idea of us
We’ll take photos of our holidays and selfies on the bus,
We’ll have our own hashtag and we’ll get our own show,
They’ll ask why we’re famous, and nobody will know!
Oh now look what you went and made me do…
How on earth do I get blood out of white suede shoes?
Never mind, smile before the rigor mortis sets in
That’s right V, alive or dead, you better fucking grin,
This selfie of will to have to last a long, long time
Around 25 years to life, my online Valentine.
Image: Helmut Newton